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Biblical matters

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Biblical matters

Postby BaggyTrousers » Thu May 12, 2016 8:17 am

I know I'm supposed to be the expert around here, but somethings are beyond even my ken. So I need the assistance of some scholar/s, for there is an issue which has me vexed full sore.

Last night whilst perusing the bible, as you do, I read in Deuteronomy that I may have an issue with my wife. You see I don't know if she was a virgin when we married, it never bothered me one way or the other to be honest. Now almost 40 years on, some might think it's a bit late in the day, but I see that I should drag her to her father's door and demand proof and heaven forbid he can't provide it, for then apparently I am to drag her off to Israel and may every man in that country stone her to death :shock:

This all seems a bit extreme, for truth be told I rather like her and she has been a first class wife this past 36 years.

I'm also a bit concerned that if her ould lad can provide evidence that will presumably have to stand up in court, that not only will I be whipped, and these buggers tend not to spare the rod, but, and it's a bit like throwing bad numbers at monopoly and landing on Regent Street with three houses on it, I have to pay him 100 Shekels and between you and me, I've got plans for every penny in the bank as it is.

Now as I've said many times, I may not be religious but I try to do the right thing. This has kept me from my sleep last night. Can anybody help? What's a man to do?
Support the team and coaching staff. Forget the rest,BUT NEVER MOVE ON.

FIRFU - FU'CK YOU ONE AND ALL, CAVING IN TO SPONSORS, SACKING THE INNOCENT FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE, SHAMEFUL BASTA'RDS. YOU'VE LOST MY SUPPORT & I HOPE MORE ULSTERMEN & WOMEN
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Re: Biblical matters

Postby rumncoke » Thu May 12, 2016 8:27 am

Nothing (if you still love her) if you don't be sure her father doesn't have proof and you do

Old Moses wasn't daft the courts weren't there to decide iffy cases.
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Re: Biblical matters

Postby Russ » Thu May 12, 2016 8:28 am

Any flegs or anthems debates?
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Re: Biblical matters

Postby Dave » Thu May 12, 2016 10:03 am

There is no credible evidence of any god existing. Most Christ follower's say they 'know' god but also when pressed have faith there is a god. Legit question: Is it not illogical to state that you know something is true yet have faith that that something is true/real at the same time?
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Re: Biblical matters

Postby Gary » Thu May 12, 2016 10:21 am

After one particularly annoying barney with the wife (something to do with a surprisingly large cc bill), I thought of using the Good Book to solve the problem. But I wondered for ages how to prove she'd been "at it" before marriage. Things gradually calmed down so the biblical bloodlust wore off.

I just wish I'd remembered the stepkids.
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Re: Biblical matters

Postby mid ulster maestro » Thu May 12, 2016 10:27 am

Jeebus Gary. When you said "I thought of using the Good Book to solve the problem" I thought you were going to bate 'er about the head with it. Some weight in thon.
Anyhoo, I did have, what the mother in law called a biblical hernia. It was in fact an umbilical hernia however it was of biblical proportions.
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Re: Biblical matters

Postby BaggyTrousers » Thu May 12, 2016 11:10 am

rumncoke wrote:Nothing (if you still love her) if you don't be sure her father doesn't have proof and you do

Old Moses wasn't daft the courts weren't there to decide iffy cases.



Oh, so we're using the old, "only if you hate her" routine are we? Look Rum'n, it's obvious that although I don't know if she was a virgin, a God certainly will have it licked away and recorded.

If I just go about my business as usual, is he not likely - now that I know the rules >rtfm - to inflict a cardinal infarction upon me and then when my back is turned, cast me into the deepest pit in hell for getting to 62 before realising I should have checked out Mrs T's status in iur wedding night?

He even paints himself as a pretty vengeful sort in the big book if abominations. So tell me Rum'n, have I got a way out of this or is my goose cooked, for I can't see the old "I didn't know" trick working in Ould Beardie.

EDIT: I see he has inflicted a plague of dyslexia on me already. My woodpigeon will surely not see too many more days. :shock:
Last edited by BaggyTrousers on Thu May 12, 2016 1:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Support the team and coaching staff. Forget the rest,BUT NEVER MOVE ON.

FIRFU - FU'CK YOU ONE AND ALL, CAVING IN TO SPONSORS, SACKING THE INNOCENT FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE, SHAMEFUL BASTA'RDS. YOU'VE LOST MY SUPPORT & I HOPE MORE ULSTERMEN & WOMEN
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Re: Biblical matters

Postby mikerob » Thu May 12, 2016 11:58 am

According to Leviticus a cooked goose is no good as an animal sacrifice - it has got to be a turtledove or a young pigeon. (Lev 1:14)
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Re: Biblical matters

Postby Gary » Thu May 12, 2016 12:09 pm

But does Leviticus say what is the maximum age of the pigeon to be cooked? You see, the bible just doesn't make things clear enough. Very hard thing to live by.
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Re: Biblical matters

Postby BaggyTrousers » Thu May 12, 2016 1:34 pm

Gary wrote:But does Leviticus say what is the maximum age of the pigeon to be cooked? You see, the bible just doesn't make things clear enough. Very hard thing to live by.



Just follow the DUP Gary, they seem expert. In the hope of redemption, I'm off to picket Marie Stopes. >threaten
Support the team and coaching staff. Forget the rest,BUT NEVER MOVE ON.

FIRFU - FU'CK YOU ONE AND ALL, CAVING IN TO SPONSORS, SACKING THE INNOCENT FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE, SHAMEFUL BASTA'RDS. YOU'VE LOST MY SUPPORT & I HOPE MORE ULSTERMEN & WOMEN
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Re: Biblical matters

Postby DavidWolfe » Thu May 12, 2016 1:59 pm

This is grand! I never expected to find the ecumenical matters featuring on the rugby boards.

Got to love a good debate on sky wizards and their middle eastern babies. Sure I've been to Israel and there was a distinct lack of folk called John, Peter, Luke, and Paul but I met a Ringo and a George! The only Jesus I've ever met was in Barclays bank on the Strood High St but he pronounced it Hey Sue.
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Re: Biblical matters

Postby BaggyTrousers » Thu May 12, 2016 2:46 pm

This is so much more than a rugby forum, all life is here, largely grumpy older gits with too much time of their hands and spleens that aren't going to vent themselves without a bit of encouragement.

So then Wolfie ...........avocados eh?
Support the team and coaching staff. Forget the rest,BUT NEVER MOVE ON.

FIRFU - FU'CK YOU ONE AND ALL, CAVING IN TO SPONSORS, SACKING THE INNOCENT FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE, SHAMEFUL BASTA'RDS. YOU'VE LOST MY SUPPORT & I HOPE MORE ULSTERMEN & WOMEN
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Re: Biblical matters

Postby BaggyTrousers » Thu May 12, 2016 2:47 pm

Anyone convinced by the notion of "Virgin Birth" of than the obvious?
Support the team and coaching staff. Forget the rest,BUT NEVER MOVE ON.

FIRFU - FU'CK YOU ONE AND ALL, CAVING IN TO SPONSORS, SACKING THE INNOCENT FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE, SHAMEFUL BASTA'RDS. YOU'VE LOST MY SUPPORT & I HOPE MORE ULSTERMEN & WOMEN
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Re: Biblical matters

Postby DavidWolfe » Thu May 12, 2016 2:59 pm

Wise men? One of them has gotten away with it for over 2000 years now! That's more than wise, that's genius.
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Re: Biblical matters

Postby CIMANFOREVER » Thu May 12, 2016 3:23 pm

I thought the accepted wisdom nowadays was the great cosmic teapot or the giant spaghetti monster?

Aw well, New times new Gods, apart from the Caleb Society....
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