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Postby goodaine » Fri Aug 03, 2007 9:24 am

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say
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I'm not drunk! I just have speech impediment... [vomits]
and a stomach virus... [falls off bar stool]
and an inner ear infection."
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Postby Gemma » Fri Aug 17, 2007 9:42 am

A curious fellow died one day and found himself in limbo waiting in a long, long line for judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others were
led over to Satan, who threw them into a lake of fire. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him or her to one side.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the better of him. He strolled over and tapped Old Nick on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, there, Your Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, and I couldn't help wondering why you are tossing some people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"

"Ah," Satan said with a grin. "Those are the Irish. I'm letting them dry out so they'll burn."
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Postby bogboy » Fri Aug 17, 2007 4:34 pm

I Thought it was so their alcohol(y)ic breath would fan the flames
2B or not 2B that is the question ?
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Postby Gemma » Thu Aug 30, 2007 9:51 pm

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and
dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to
the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century
carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham
Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.


Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous
earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is
atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over
their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do
their best to ignore the incident.


The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President, please accept my
regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a queen
cannot control."


George Bush, always trying to be presidential, replied, "Your Majesty, do
not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it
was one of the horses."
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Postby Shafted » Fri Aug 31, 2007 8:51 am

I went to the zoo the other day, it only had one dog in it. It was a shitzu!
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Postby bogboy » Fri Aug 31, 2007 4:52 pm

Is "the rite to no"

the one practiced by many wives on Saturday nights
2B or not 2B that is the question ?
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Postby goodaine » Mon Sep 03, 2007 1:12 pm

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.

"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the whore, "I just thought you might like to open those beers first."
_____________________________
Angel by day but Devil by night


I'm not drunk! I just have speech impediment... [vomits]
and a stomach virus... [falls off bar stool]
and an inner ear infection."
Brian Griffin
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Postby goodaine » Mon Sep 03, 2007 1:21 pm

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!"
_____________________________
Angel by day but Devil by night


I'm not drunk! I just have speech impediment... [vomits]
and a stomach virus... [falls off bar stool]
and an inner ear infection."
Brian Griffin
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Postby goodaine » Wed Sep 05, 2007 4:30 pm

shortest but best joke I've read in a long time..........


A teenager asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny: "F * # k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?
_____________________________
Angel by day but Devil by night


I'm not drunk! I just have speech impediment... [vomits]
and a stomach virus... [falls off bar stool]
and an inner ear infection."
Brian Griffin
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goodaine
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Posts: 3800
Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2006 11:39 am
Location: Somewhere on earth .......... I think :-)

Postby browner » Wed Sep 05, 2007 7:23 pm

That's a wheeker. :lol:
Stand up for PICU R.V.H.
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Postby Rooster » Wed Sep 05, 2007 10:16 pm

goodaine wrote:
A teenager asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny: "F * # k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

Image Best joke in ages
“That made me feel very special and underlined to me that Ulster is more than a team, it is a community and a rugby family"
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Postby bogboy » Thu Sep 06, 2007 7:43 pm

The dragon in the kitchen


is my wife
2B or not 2B that is the question ?
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Just an awful joke...

Postby ColinS » Sat Sep 08, 2007 3:09 am

My mate says his pub quiz last night was graced with the following team names:

Nessun Dormant

TWO Tenors

Pava-rotting



Colinx

Should this be renamed the Bad Joke thread?
Some people say I used to be called Colzo. Don't listen to them people, I talk much less sense than Colzo.
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Re: Just an awful joke...

Postby Cap'n Grumpy » Sat Sep 08, 2007 9:55 pm

colzo666 wrote:Should this be renamed the Bad Joke thread?


NO!

Even bad jokes can be funny on some level.

That's not funny AT ALL!
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Postby browner » Sun Sep 09, 2007 1:08 pm

A farmer in the West of Ireland is walking across his land when he spot's a young man drinking from a pool of water.

"Diddly de diddly de" he cries at the young man ( in Irish this means don't drink that it's full of cows pi$h.)

"I don't understand what you're saying,"shouts the young man,"i'm English."

The farmer pauses, then replies.........."That's the finest water in all of Ireland, drink as much as you want."
Stand up for PICU R.V.H.
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