Joke of the Day

[againstthehead]

Brian Ashton and Matt Williams both die and enter the Pearly Gates. God takes Brian on a tour of heaven and ends up at a little two-bedroom bungalow with a faded English rugby banner hanging from the front porch.

"This is your house, Brian," says God, "You're very lucky. Most people don't get their own houses up here, you know." Clive looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the huge mansion on top of the hill. A massive, multi-storey affair with white marble columns, balconies and attractive gardens, Red and Black Ulster banners line both sides of the footpath and a huge Ulster fleg (yellow background!!) hangs between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the house, God," says Brian, "But let me ask you a question. How come I get this little two-bedroom bungalow and Matt Williams gets a huge mansion with all those marble columns and things." God looks at him seriously for a moment. "That's not Williams house," God says. "That's my house."

[goodaine]

Her ladyship picked up a hulking big rugby full-back in a bar and took him home for the night because she had been led to believe that men with big feet had big (bits).

The next morning, the rugger man woke up to find himself alone in the bed, with a £50 note pinned to the pillow, and a piece of paper with a message which read: 'Buy yourself a pair of shoes that fit!'

[goodaine]

One Liners - Rugby Jokes

Rugby player: "Doctor, doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror - I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"
Doctor: "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

Why don't rugby players have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

Why do rugby players like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Two Rugby fans are arguing about how to pronounce the team name Wigan. The first fan says, "I say it's Vigan," but the other fan says, "No, it's not, it's Wigan. I bet you five pounds I'm right."

"Okay," says the first fan, "you're on. I'll ask that man walking up the street. So he stops the man walking up the street and says, "Excuse me, my friend and I are having an argument. Do you say Wigan or Vigan?"

"It's Vigan."

"Ta, mate," says the first fan as he collects his five pounds.

"You're velcome," says the man walking up the street.


A man went to the doctor one day and said:
"I've just been playing Rugby and when I got back I found that when I touched my legs, my arms, my head, my tummy and everywhere else, it really hurt."
So the doctor said: "You've broken your finger."

[ColinS]

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.
He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?!?"

The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[Mr Frosty]

An Ausrian journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known Josef Frittzles daughter Alice?

He Replied 'Who the feck is alice? You mean for 24 years....ive been living next door to Alice!

[HwoodMike2umate]

original by New World in 1972
then released by Smokie in Nov 1976 reaching No5 in UK and No1 in Netherlands - dont know what it reached in Austria!
Best version by Smokie & Roy Chubbie Brown.

[fuzzylogic]

Just when you thaught the McCanns had the european hide and seek championship won, some f*cking austrians come out of the woodwork to clinch it!

[ColinS]

A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:


Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

[FRB]

Knowing some bootnecks I would not be surprised if that story/joke had an element of truth to it.


An American tourist was outside Horse Guards parade having her photo taken with one of the Guardsmen. She was in awe of him and impressed with his uniform and physique. Their conversation went something like this:

American: 'Gee, your'e tall. How tall are you?

Soldier: '6'5" in me socks, 8" in my bearskin'.

American: 'Wow. That's tall. How big is your chest?'

Soldier: '44" normal, 50" expanded'.

The toursit, now feeling a bit cheeky, ventured, 'And how big is your d*ck?'

The soldier replied, '2 inches'. The tourist's jaw dropped in dismay and disbelief at which point the soldier added '...from my knee.'

[McPepper]

Clive looks at the house.....

Who is Clive...??

[HwoodMike2umate]

Rev. John Hagee

[Ball Boy]

Q. What's brown and sticky?

A. A brown stick

Another classic from the Horrid Henry Joke Book. 'Too rude for parents' apparently...

[Samstew]

Apologies if you have already seen this one.

Amy Winehouse was at a party chatting and mingling with guests.
She says to one party goer, “Hi, I’m Amy Winhouse, I’m a singer.”
The party goer replies,” Hi, I’m Richard Hammond, I do Top Gear.”
Amy say’s "that’s great, what have you got with you?"

[mid ulster maestro]

A Red Indian and his squaw are walking across the pirarie when they meet a chap from a different tribe.
"Greetings friend" the Red Indian says to this stranger. "I am Floating Cloud and this is my squaw Three Horses" he says by way of introduction.
"Funny name for a squaw" the stranger replies.
"I know, but all she does is nag nag nag!"
Mum

[mid ulster maestro]

Q. What's brown and hides in the attic?



A. The diahorea of Anne Frank!