Joke of the Day

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Solid Air
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Solid Air »

Guy goes into the Job Centre in Coleraine and sees a vacancy for a ‘Gynaecologist’s Assistant’, the duties are to remove patients under-garments, shave the areas to be examined and, after examination, to apply a soothing oil, salary £50,000 pa. He runs over to the desk with the ad to express his interest. “No problem, what’s your name?” says the guy at the desk “James Smith” replies the man, “What should I do now?”

Guy behind the desk says, “Can you make your way to Downpatrick?”

James says, “Is that where the job is based?”

“No”, says the Job Centre guy, “That’s where the back of the feckin queue is”………….
"Cheer up" he said "It could get worse", so I cheered up, and it got worse...
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by bogboy »

What's green and goes backwards ?

( sniff)

That's the old version

The newer

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2B or not 2B that is the question ?
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goodaine
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by goodaine »

YoungMan wrote:Went to the Zoo the other day , all the had was a dag..........................it was a Shitzu :scratch:

What no frogs??????? :wink:
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I'm not drunk! I just have speech impediment... [vomits]
and a stomach virus... [falls off bar stool]
and an inner ear infection."
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goodaine
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by goodaine »

Milking it

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

“Breast fed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”
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I'm not drunk! I just have speech impediment... [vomits]
and a stomach virus... [falls off bar stool]
and an inner ear infection."
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goodaine
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by goodaine »

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I'm Pope, I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

(Remember, he's German.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "

Cop: " No Sir."

Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
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I'm not drunk! I just have speech impediment... [vomits]
and a stomach virus... [falls off bar stool]
and an inner ear infection."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by mid ulster maestro »

On a similar vein.

A bit of the Saintfield Road and Lisburn Road are sitting in the bar discussing who is the hardest. At that point the door opens and a length of green bitmac walks in and orders a pint. "Right I'm outta here pronto" says the Saintfield Road. "Why's that then?" asks the Lisburn Road. "See yer man in green there? He's a cycle path!"
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Solid Air
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Solid Air »

It was just waiting to be sent up!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETL8YbX5upg" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

:lol:
"Cheer up" he said "It could get worse", so I cheered up, and it got worse...
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ColinS
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ColinS »

Some Bush jokes :)

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asked, "What is your name?"
"My name is Bob", says the boy.
"And what is your question, Bob?"
"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you president when al gore got more votes? Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "Ok where were we? Oh, that's right. Question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy raises his hand. George points him out and asked him "what is your name?"
"My name is Steve" says the boy.
"And what is your question Steve?"
"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of UN? Second, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes? Third, what happened to Osama bin laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? Fifth, where is Bob?"

--

George Bush is being giving his daily briefing, he is told that yesterday 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally he looks up with a devastaded expression on his face and he asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

--

Laura Bush: "We have the weekend free darling, what would you like to do?"

George Bush: "I'm not sure. Let's think..."

Laura Bush: "No, let's do something that you can do too."

:duck:
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Gemma
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Gemma »

Not so much a joke, but funny anyway...

Annual Stella Awards

Proof of entitlement mentality.

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for the past year:


7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a fu rniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.


6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.


5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more...


4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.


3RD PLACE:
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go...

2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.


1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Rooster »

Hate to burst your bubble Gemma but they are all fake

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson's son. Fabricated.

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal. Fabricated.

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Penn., was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change. Fabricated.

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought after because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. Fabricated.

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Fabricated.

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. Fabricated.

The "winner" every year: In November, Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he could not actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago. Fabricated.

And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail: Kenmore Inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found not liable for the death of Mrs. Johnson's poodle after she gave it a bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave for, "just a few minutes, on low," The case was quickly dismissed. Fabricated from a very old urban legend!

StellaAwards.com has found no evidence to support these stories, nor has the leading urban legend debunker, Snopes.com. The bottom line: after all these years, it's completely ridiculous for individuals to be fooled by these cases, yet every year even "legitimate" newspapers run these very cases crying "Ain't it awful?", and sometimes they even attribute these old dumb jokes to us, which shows just how poorly they do when it comes to fact-checking.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Gemma »

...and there was me trying to put a smile on someone's face.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Gemma »

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by cables »

Many will not have heard of the Sullied Awards either. The origin of these awards can be traced to an International sporting coach who resigned from his position and successfully obtained $500,000 from his employer for doing so.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by FRB »

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. This is considered to be a major technological breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ColinS »

I am in the army and my sergeant said to me
"I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!!"
To which I replied "Oh, thank you very much sir!!!!"

-

Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors?
So they can watch the battle.
Some people say I used to be called Colzo. Don't listen to them people, I talk much less sense than Colzo.
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