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Postby Freddie Benson » Thu May 31, 2007 12:45 pm

very old

but still made me smile :)
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Postby Cap'n Grumpy » Thu May 31, 2007 12:48 pm

And so was the joke!
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Postby Freddie Benson » Thu May 31, 2007 12:49 pm

you're cruisin' for a bruisin' at the mo grump :twisted:
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Postby browner » Sat Jun 02, 2007 10:32 am

A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a hot chick from across a bar.

She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.

She says, " I want a man that's smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "

The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "

The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "

The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " liver alone, cheese mine!!"
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Postby bogboy » Wed Jun 06, 2007 7:14 pm

Hear about the English man watered his grass seed with beer and hoped it would come up

Half cut
2B or not 2B that is the question ?
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Postby browner » Wed Jun 06, 2007 8:11 pm

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,

'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,

And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
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Postby bogboy » Thu Jun 07, 2007 12:33 am

I suppose Big Schitt lay motionless and then passed away
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Postby mid ulster maestro » Fri Jun 08, 2007 7:44 pm

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the " Chicken
Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.

" Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes
looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.

" Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

" Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"

Mum


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Postby GLENN CORNICK » Mon Jun 11, 2007 12:42 am

Quasimodo is about to retire and a new bell ringer has to be found.

The first applicant is an armless bloke that Quasimodo had seen often at prayers in the cathedral. Quasimodo politely tells him he is not suitable but the guy pleads to let him have a go at ringing the great bell.

So the armless bloke gets to the top of the tower charges at the bell full tilt and nuts it with his force. Quasimodo is impressed and challenges him to ring it again. This time the armless one glances off the bell and falls to his death on the cobbles below.

Quasimodo is devastated and an appalled onlooker asks him if knew the man’s name. Quasimodo replies, “No I don’t, but his face rings a bell.”

The following day the second applicant is also an armless bloke. He explains to Quasimodo that he is a brother of yesterday’s unfortunate. So Quasimodo politely and firmly tells him he is absolutely not suitable but this guy too pleads to let him have a go at ringing the great bell, at least as tribute to his brother's memory.

So this armless bloke climbs to the top of the tower charges at the bell full tilt and nuts it with his force, just like the previous day. Quasimodo is very impressed and challenges him to ring it again. Once again the armless bloke glances off the bell, stumbles over the parapet and falls to his death on the cobbles below.

Quasimodo rushes downstairs in total despair and before he can speak one of the Paris mob asks Quasimodo in a very intimidating manner, “I suppose you don’t know who this poor sod is either, you stupid old fool?”

Quasimodo replies,“I’m afraid I don’t, but he’s dead ringer for his brother.”
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Postby LePaul » Fri Jun 15, 2007 12:48 pm

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?"

"No, from the skippin", the Irishman said.
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Whats wrong with that then FRU ???
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Postby goodaine » Fri Jun 22, 2007 9:12 am

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
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I'm not drunk! I just have speech impediment... [vomits]
and a stomach virus... [falls off bar stool]
and an inner ear infection."
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Postby goodaine » Fri Jun 22, 2007 9:16 am

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles...

The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is mole-asses!"
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Angel by day but Devil by night


I'm not drunk! I just have speech impediment... [vomits]
and a stomach virus... [falls off bar stool]
and an inner ear infection."
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Postby fermain » Fri Jun 22, 2007 9:54 am

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that." why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, “You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't pee out of it," the man replied.
:red: :red: :red: :red: :red: :red: :red:
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Postby Solid Air » Fri Jun 22, 2007 11:27 am

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled 'hello' to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a gorgeous woman would be waving to him, and, although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children".

"Christ" he says. "Are you the stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the pool table in front of all my mates whilst your friend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my backside?

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."
"Cheer up" he said "It could get worse", so I cheered up, and it got worse...
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Postby Solid Air » Fri Jun 22, 2007 11:39 am

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process

3 Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw wet pill away

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten

5. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from bedroom. Call spouse from garden

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously

7. Retrieve cat from curtain, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtain. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, blow pill down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take taste away. Apply band aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour glass, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap

13. Tie the little fecker’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Get heavy duty gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call into furniture shop on way home to order new table


HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon
"Cheer up" he said "It could get worse", so I cheered up, and it got worse...
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