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Postby goodaine » Fri Jun 22, 2007 11:45 am

I could have done with those tips last night!!!! The 'little darling' near took my arms off :shock: :(
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Postby browner » Fri Jun 22, 2007 6:43 pm

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

'No,' she says, 'they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.
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Postby mid ulster maestro » Fri Jun 22, 2007 10:00 pm

A blonde is getting hassle from a double glazing company after 12 months for non payment of the bill for the installation of her windows.
"The salesman told me I don't have to pay anything" the blonde tells the bloke from the double glazing firm.
"And can you tell me what exactly the salesman said?" replied the exasperated debt collector.
"I may be blonde but I'm not dumb! You're not getting a penny from me" she shrieked.
"Please can you tell me what the salesman said word for word" he pleaded.
"Well" she started. "He did tell me that if I got these windows from your company that they will pay for themselves within a year. The year's up and I'm not paying anything!"
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Postby browner » Sat Jun 23, 2007 10:02 am

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
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Postby mid ulster maestro » Mon Jun 25, 2007 8:30 pm

A chap just out of the slammer for GBH gets a job at the zoo. On his first day his supervisor hands him a shovel and tells him to clean all the gunge from the tanks in the aquarium. Whilst performing this task he gets bitten by a rather large fish, looses his temper and beats the fish to death with the shovel. "What the hell am I going to do with this? he ponders. "I know, I feed it to the lions. They'll eat anything!" On his way past the lion enclosure he tosses the fish over the railing and sure enough the evidence of his misdemeanour promptly vanishes. On his second day his supervisor hands him a shovel and tells him to muck out the chimpanzee enclosure. Whilst performing this task he gets hit on the head by several coconuts thrown by two males who feel threatened by his presence. Needless to say he looses his temper and beats the chimpanzees to death with the shovel. "What the hell am I going to do with these? he ponders. "I know, I feed them to the lions. They'll eat anything!" On his way past the lion enclosure he tosses the chimpanzees over the railing and sure enough the evidence of his misdemeanour promptly vanishes. On the third day his supervisor hands him a bucket and tells him to go to the bee hives and collect all the honey. This he explains is to be sold in the zoo gift shop. Whilst performing this task he gets stung by a several bees, looses his temper and destroys the hive by smashing it with the bucket. "What the hell am I going to do with this? he ponders. "I know, I feed it to the lions. They'll eat anything!" On his way past the lion enclosure he tosses the bucket with the remains of the hive over the railing and sure enough the evidence of his misdemeanour promptly vanishes. Later that day, as part of an inter zoo breeding program, a new lioness arrives. She soon gets to talking with the rest of the lions and spends a pleasant afternoon chatting away. Finally as tea time draws near she asks one of her new found friends "What's the food like here?"
"It's brilliant!" comes the reply. "This week already we've had fish 'n' chimps and mushy bees!"
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Postby barney » Mon Jun 25, 2007 9:38 pm

Sean, Paddy and Mary are on a round-the-world cruise. Somewhere in the Indian Ocean the ship is hit by a huge storm and sinks. Sean, Paddy and Mary make it to one of the life rafts and find themselves washed up on the beach of a deserted island.

After a couple of weeks building a shelter and learning to hunt and gather, nature calls and the boys start to eye Mary hungrily. Sure enough, nature takes its course and the building tension is happily disippated.

After three months, Mary is bitten by a mosquito and tragically succumbs to malaria.

Life carries on for Sean and Paddy for the next few months but soon enough nature calls again and the boys answer it as best they can.

After a few weeks the good Catholic boys are feeling very guilty about their latest shenanigans and decide it's time to stop.

"You know Paddy", says Sean, "we're good Catholics and this is very wrong indeed."

"Sure enough", says Paddy, "it's time we did the decent thing and stopped this awful sinning before we're eternally damned."



So they buried Mary. :lol:
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Postby Solid Air » Tue Jun 26, 2007 3:42 pm

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear, or are about to repeat, a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say".
"The first Filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and....."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the Filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary....." said the chap.
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter The Filter of Usefulness
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really....." he replied.
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True, nor Good, nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed.


This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.















It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife......
"Cheer up" he said "It could get worse", so I cheered up, and it got worse...
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Postby GLENN CORNICK » Wed Jun 27, 2007 1:00 am

"It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife......"

Shagging possibly, "wife" I don't think so! Socrates had other inclinations.
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Postby Solid Air » Wed Jun 27, 2007 9:22 am

Socrates had, in fact, two wives, Xanthippe and Myrto, he may well have had other ‘inclinations’ but the Ancient Greeks probably didn’t see that as ‘other inclination’, just another natural expression of personal preference, which has been the subject of much reasoned ‘other inclination’ iconic debate.

But then again it was only a wee joke (posted under the Joke of the Day thread), designed to make the day a bit lighter, maybe I should have posted under ‘Ancient Philosophy Thesis:Was Socrates gay? Discuss’ thread………….. :wink:

Was it not Socrates who wrote:

Don't you fret, don't you fear,
I will give you good cheer.

Life's a long song…..

If you wait then your Plato I will fill.
:)
"Cheer up" he said "It could get worse", so I cheered up, and it got worse...
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Postby goodaine » Fri Jun 29, 2007 8:35 am

Rubbing Her The Right Way

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
_____________________________
Angel by day but Devil by night


I'm not drunk! I just have speech impediment... [vomits]
and a stomach virus... [falls off bar stool]
and an inner ear infection."
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Postby goodaine » Fri Jun 29, 2007 8:37 am

Punishment in Heaven

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''
_____________________________
Angel by day but Devil by night


I'm not drunk! I just have speech impediment... [vomits]
and a stomach virus... [falls off bar stool]
and an inner ear infection."
Brian Griffin
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Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2006 11:39 am
Location: Somewhere on earth .......... I think :-)

Postby Gemma » Mon Jul 02, 2007 10:08 pm

A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with his face full of blood. All the bats get excited and ask where he got it from. "Follow me," he says.

Off they flew over hills, over river and into the dark forest.

"See that tree over there," he says.

"Yes," they reply.

"Well I f*****g didn't!"
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Postby goodaine » Wed Jul 04, 2007 10:54 am

A frog calls a psychic

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

This is dedicated to the frog YoungMan stood on at the K Club :wink: :shock:
Last edited by goodaine on Wed Jul 04, 2007 10:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
_____________________________
Angel by day but Devil by night


I'm not drunk! I just have speech impediment... [vomits]
and a stomach virus... [falls off bar stool]
and an inner ear infection."
Brian Griffin
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goodaine
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Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2006 11:39 am
Location: Somewhere on earth .......... I think :-)

Postby goodaine » Wed Jul 04, 2007 10:57 am

Looking to buy a frog?


A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
_____________________________
Angel by day but Devil by night


I'm not drunk! I just have speech impediment... [vomits]
and a stomach virus... [falls off bar stool]
and an inner ear infection."
Brian Griffin
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goodaine
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Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2006 11:39 am
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Postby Gemma » Sun Jul 29, 2007 11:46 am

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.


After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new f ace. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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