An open letter to Ulster Rugby

[BaggyTrousers]

Dear Gentlemen of Ulster Rugby,

As we sit in the New Year with no indication that the trophy drought is going to end and now 11 years passing since success was last tasted, it would appear fair to say that something is not working. The soul full of hope we all had in September has turned to a hole full of soap, as one after another coaches, Bryn, players are wheeled out to give utterances fit only for the dunces on social media.

As always we have challenges with recruitment & now thanks to Mr Nuciwankbasket, trouble too in retention, in particular the greatest player ever to pull on an Ulster shirt, albeit Nuciclusterballix made one good decision with Louis Ludik, without whom this season could have been yet grimmer.

Gentlemen of Ulster Rugby, like many of you I too am an ould fart who has seen more rugby than I care to remember, but I consider myself not entirely clueless in assessing games and players. Indeed though not qualified in any shape or form, I have cast my eye around the coaching team and I find nothing inspirational there at all, indeed the last man you employed who gave any hint of leadership and near success was Brian McLaughlin and someone amongst your number, past or present, decided that he was not good enough. In the passing seasons of various bluffers you may well have repented at your leisure the sacking of a good Ulsterman with more coaching ability & nous than the current combined strength of the coaching panel.

Now Mr Kiss is a new DOR, his first top job, now in his second season, too soon I think to judge him definitively, especially as he appears to be fighting with one hand behind his back given you gentlemen imposed the staff on him whose only real qualification is that they were born within the province.

Gentlemen, is the 10 years each, give or take one or two, that Neil Doak, Allen Clarke & Niall Malone, have been in your employ given you the merest hint that they are remotely suited to their tasks? I assume you are aware that Ulster of the last 10/11 years peaked in 2011/12/13 with HC final & Pro12 final, both lost. and things have mainly been getting worse year by year.

The style played under the supposedly creative Doak was an abomination in my eyes never my the Lord. Nothing has really worked for Ulster since that day of infamy 5th April 2014 when Ulster's last modest achevement, a home European quarterfinal turned to dogshit when that oaf Payne got his stupidarse shitcanned after 3 minutes and 50 stricken seconds. If any of you suggest that subsequent Pro12 semifinals is anything close to success, I submit you should not be in your current post, indeed you should be chastised with scorpions.

Mr Clarke enjoys an unenviable reputation as a surly prickly wee shyte, allegedly in a hate relationship with Mr Doak and apparently utterly blind to the talents of young forwards, who unless Roger Wilson pulls a fetlock can't get a sniff of a game. We've seen young Henderson come through, young Kane appears equipped for better things too but we never know if we have other talent for it seems like decade that young Donnan has been about and his caps total remains at an obstinate zero.

Could one of you tell me, if Donnan isn't good enough to be risked even once from the bench, in the name of the seven snotty orphans of Ringsend, why is he still here, God love him.

On the subject of Mr Clarke, has he some hold over the club? For as someone who has a reputation as a divisive figure he looks after 10 years to be unimpeachable, did he see something he shouldn't have? Does he know where Dr Dave buried the bodies of any who crossed him? Does he have photographic evidence that our CEO Fit dropped the S bomb that has blocked trap 2 for a few years? The must have a dossier of some sort otherwise why is he still here after the same 10 years of failure enjoyed by Doak & Malone.

Would any of you gentleman have been sufficiently interested to see if rumours that the academy has turned a corner anything more than spin? Are we still as much use as a Happy Father's Day card to a basturd?

Gentlemen, my own gruntle, and those of my many chums and assoicates at Ulternative Alster, is in the state of being dissed, I am personally highly disgruntled. I caution you not to dismiss us lightly for we are a band including many current ST holders & plenty are having second thoughts for next year.

Please see to it that all members of the Pro Management Committee are circulated with this. We expect changes, the current farce is as untenable as Mrs Arlene Fascist's arrogance.

Yours faithfully

Trousers.

[Dave]

PS. The band. Please why?

[Tender]

Baggy, that looks like circa two bottles of Rioja (Torres Gran Reserva?)

Not your usual well punctuated, free flowing prose, but it does say exactly what we're all thinking. Could our boffins set up a signature page which we could all sign ( We the undersigned) and send it to those concerned and the unwashed press/media.
I find it frustrating the way UR and the media paper over the cracks and portray us as one big happy family, all in it together type of shyte, when many of us have had to up their Lisinipril just to stop our heads exploding.

[Russ]

Sadly UR recognise only the URSC in managing PR with their customerz

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Rooster]

Baggy, that looks like circa two bottles of Rioja (Torres Gran Reserva?)

Not your usual well punctuated, free flowing prose, but it does say exactly what we're all thinking. Could our boffins set up a signature page which we could all sign ( We the undersigned) and send it to those concerned and the unwashed press/media.
I find it frustrating the way UR and the media paper over the cracks and portray us as one big happy family, all in it together type of shyte, when many of us have had to up their Lisinipril just to stop our heads exploding.

I would be very surprised if Logie does not read it or at least one of his sidekicks, as for the press I can guarantee that some of them will have read it already.

[thecrouch]

Hear hear!

Or is it here here?

[BaggyTrousers]

Baggy, that looks like circa two bottles of Rioja (Torres Gran Reserva?)

Not your usual well punctuated, free flowing prose, but it does say exactly what we're all thinking. Could our boffins set up a signature page which we could all sign ( We the undersigned) and send it to those concerned and the unwashed press/media.
I find it frustrating the way UR and the media paper over the cracks and portray us as one big happy family, all in it together type of shyte, when many of us have had to up their Lisinipril just to stop our heads exploding.

Middle of the night Tender, eyes drooping, you'll have to forgive me my transgressions .............not that forgiveness was my subject.

[mid ulster maestro]

Now now Crouchie. Or is it Ni ni.

[thecrouch]

Baggy, that looks like circa two bottles of Rioja (Torres Gran Reserva?)

Not your usual well punctuated, free flowing prose, but it does say exactly what we're all thinking. Could our boffins set up a signature page which we could all sign ( We the undersigned) and send it to those concerned and the unwashed press/media.
I find it frustrating the way UR and the media paper over the cracks and portray us as one big happy family, all in it together type of shyte, when many of us have had to up their Lisinipril just to stop our heads exploding.

Middle of the night Tender, eyes drooping, you'll have to forgive me my transgressions .............not that forgiveness was my subject.

3am baggy, what on earth were you doing on here at thon hour? Have ye no bed to go to?

[222toHounslow]

Well said Bagster. The mediocrity currently being peddled is undoubtedly going to hit ticket sales. As usual, supporters are completely taken for granted and treated as dumb feckers.

[Cornerfleg]

The bakebookers in their beanies will come until they close the gates .... but once anyone with half a brain sees that he/she is not getting any bang for his buck, he'll do a Clive and spend his/her hard earned cash on something more entertaining. Most fans will not stop supporting or being Ulstermen ... but I tell you break the habit for a few weeks and a huge percentage of fans will not be back.

[thecrouch]

The bakebookers in their beanies will come until they close the gates .... but once anyone with half a brain sees that he/she is not getting any bang for his buck, he'll do a Clive and spend his/her hard earned cash on something more entertaining. Most fans will not stop supporting or being Ulstermen ... but I tell you break the habit for a few weeks and a huge percentage of fans will not be back.

The bakebookers are more interested in getting a look at the big name players, autographs and getting their photos taken with Sparky than the actual results.

So long as there's someone for them to fawn over they'll keep coming back.

[Dave]

The bakebookers in their beanies will come until they close the gates .... but once anyone with half a brain sees that he/she is not getting any bang for his buck, he'll do a Clive and spend his/her hard earned cash on something more entertaining. Most fans will not stop supporting or being Ulstermen ... but I tell you break the habit for a few weeks and a huge percentage of fans will not be back.

The bakebookers are more interested in getting a look at the big name players, autographs and getting their photos taken with Sparky than the actual results.

So long as there's someone for them to fawn over they'll keep coming back.

They will quite happily get that at the Giants.

[thecrouch]

The bakebookers in their beanies will come until they close the gates .... but once anyone with half a brain sees that he/she is not getting any bang for his buck, he'll do a Clive and spend his/her hard earned cash on something more entertaining. Most fans will not stop supporting or being Ulstermen ... but I tell you break the habit for a few weeks and a huge percentage of fans will not be back.

The bakebookers are more interested in getting a look at the big name players, autographs and getting their photos taken with Sparky than the actual results.

So long as there's someone for them to fawn over they'll keep coming back.

They will quite happily get that at the Giants.

Any truth that Kofi Annan is now spending his Friday nights at the Odyssey and that's why he doesn't post here any more?

[Cornerfleg]

I bet you 50 quid he has a big sponge finger!